Friday, June 11, 2004
The Reagan Memorial: An Immodest Propositional

Reagan on Rushmore? Reagan on the dime? Reagan on the ten dollar bill? All thinking too small. Way too small.

What we have to do to remember this great man, this cowboy turned president who restored Hope to America, is give him the kind of memorial he deserves. Right on the National Mall. I've even figured out the perfect location-- to complete the work Reagan started and his acolytes continued, we tear down the FDR Memorial and build his right on top.

The centerpiece of the Reagan Memorial will (of course) be a giant statue of the Great Man himself, replete with "Gipper" football helmet with a cowboy hat perched atop. He will be staring rightward, gaze slightly aloft, seeming almost to be willfully looking away from the AIDS patient standing behind him, hands held aloft in supplication. His arms are outstretched, hands throttling two figures, one wearing a hardhat labeled "American Unions," the other barely holding onto a loaf of bread, "American Middle Class" emblazoned across its back. Over his left shoulder we can see the figure of two Death Squad members murdering a nun. Over his right, Oliver North giving Osama bin Laden a Stinger Surface to Air Missile (not entirely accurate, true, but we all know how the old man loved his historical embellishments). Beneath his feet are the crushed remains of the Solar Panels which Jimmy Carter installed on the Whitehouse roof before Reagan declared Morning in America and removed them.

How dare you say he doesn't deserve such tribute!? This man won the Cold War!
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