Tuesday, February 10, 2004
Blah Blah Bliggidy Blah(g)

Been thinking about writing lately. To clarify: I've not been thinking to myself that I need to sit down and do some writing (though Dobbs knows I should be) so much as I've been thinking about what happens to me every time I do such sitting scribbling. This has been part of a minor life-reevaluation (dammit! where's the diaeresis on this thing? What? Diaeresis! It's like an umlaut only Greek, c'mon! How can I be all New Yorker-y if this damn thing doesn't have diaeresississizz?) due to the aforementioned ijjicy. Yes folks, it's time once again for The "I Have a Degree From an Ivy League University, What the Fuck am I Doing Making Lattes?" Show!

(I just read Mimi Smartypants... does it show?)

In any case, I never update this damn thing, I haven't actually worked on any of my writing since NOVEMBER... and yet deep in myself I know that writing is what I want to be doing. The times in my life when I was most OK with where I was were times when I was writing regularly, something with a weekly deadline, something that I knew people were reading, something that was fun and light... but since then whenever I try to write I get frustrated with the incredibly low quality, disheartened with my abilities, and eventually more and more depressed until I can't go on. Then I don't write anything for a few months, until the realization that I'm not doing what I want to be doing overtakes the memory of the frustration of doing it poorly and the cycle begins anew.

There: that entire last paragraph was a nigh-unreadable trainwreck. Case in point.

And of course the difference between good writing and bad is two or three drafts. And of course it's better to be doing what you want to do, even if you're not hailed as a genius at the first word. All the same, while I have no natural talent or affinity towards musicianship, the time I spend practicing scales on my guitar is infinitely greater than the time I spend writing. And everybody's always saying "if you know that you want to be doing something, that's what you'll be doing-- nothing will stop you." I'm not even at hack level, you see. I am sub-hack... which sounds like I've just been crushed by a falling cabbie.

If this had a point I think I would have reached it by now. Nope, just another episode of public self-flagellation. I know I always love reading these, so I'm sure all three of you will get a huge kick out of it. Meanwhile, I need to get to work. See you in another week, or three months, or whatever.
Friday, February 06, 2004
fokking ijjicy

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